I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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