I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
