Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
