saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
