I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
