I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
