I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
