No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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