is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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