Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
