My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Found the puke drawer
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
