Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
