got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Farmville is her only friend.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize