jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
