K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
