Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
