Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
