i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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