dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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