the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
