we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
