I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
is wine microwaveable?
I just gift wrapped bread.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
