Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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