ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
did i walk over a car last night?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
