dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
