I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
