god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
