Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
