I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
