I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
someone owes me an orgasm
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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