Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
