This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
