Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize