He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
