it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
babies were throwing up all over the place
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
