Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
