I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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