Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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