I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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