Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The beer is more important than you right now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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