My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
