I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
