i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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