i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
