So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
