First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
