I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
