I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
