i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
