I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
