Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
