I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
