Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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