I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
