Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
